i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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