so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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