Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
