Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
