Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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