i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
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