Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
