Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
