4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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