walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Randomize
