she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Randomize
