Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
