does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
