I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
