i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
