im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
