ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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