Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize