pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
