I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
