the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
My liver just had a heart attack.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
