Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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