that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
