So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
