we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
