I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
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