shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
