1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
