My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
