the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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