nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
