a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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