I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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