Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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