Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
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