new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
