Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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