Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Randomize
