i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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