need another drink. this is the easiest way
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
When did we convert life to cartoon?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
FUCK WHALES
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
