Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
