a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
