Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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