I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Randomize
