Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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