I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
