I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
