my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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