is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
