So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
