New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
