I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
