he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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