Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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