we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
