so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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