Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
