Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
