Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
